My Day..

My Day was a handful.
Not my "cup of tea"..
I don't feel all up to explaining it.
I don't feel like typing anymore.
& I sure as heck don't feel like smiling.
Who am I to call someone else rude?
But, who are they to yell at me?
Who am I to get mad?
But, who are they to get mad as well?
To me, we're both at fault. But, believe it or not, I truly don't care, this isn't what has been eating me up alive all day.
My realizations is what have been eating at my soul.
I've been trying to push it off, keep a smile and talk to sound out my thoughts...But, well, obviously that isn't working, I get irritated when someone doesn't babble along, I get angry when I receive no smile back, & I never push it off hard enough. It's as if smiling, talking, and ignoring is all that helps me through the day & at the end of the day, I still feel like I've failed & like a pile of crap that's been stepped in and ran over by a semi. Complaining. Whining. None of that will help.
Talking to anyone besides God, that won't help either. I'm obviously in this on my own, with God ofcourse....
But, lately that hasn't felt like enough & that is ridiculous, I know.
& That states my problem....
How to I delete the ridiculous...


God, please help me get back on my path.
I love you.
Steph Alderson.

Dear World,

Dear World,
I'm extremely tired of you. It seems everything has to be done and learned the hard way. Also, assumptions are always made, expectations are always highly difficult to succeed, judging is always happening, mean thoughts are always shot towards you, sometimes along with a mean look... Yes, you've failed to make anything easy. Walking away.. That's hard. Giving up... It's hard as well. Smiling when you feel like crying - Ohmygosh, almost impossible! Giving up a friend that has been the only thing keeping you from going crazy and crying in front of the whole school - Even harder. & Quite frankly, I'm tired of trying to please you, World. You seem to get harder each day. I feel if I isolate myself from all these people, all these places, I will grow and finally mature to where I need to. & I mean all people in general,,, Well, sorta, I just want to get away from anyone I've ever talked to, glanced at, everything familiar. I will ofcourse, wait until after college, and maybe a year after that so I can get some work but, I will get away from this place, if it takes the best of me, Oh well. I just need some space to figure out who I am & what I'm here to do. I always thought I knew what I wanted, who I am, whom to trust. But, neither of those three have I been correct about. I have no idea what I want or what I need. I don't know who I am.. & As far as trust goes, I, starting today, have lost all my trust for every single person I can think of. I don't know. I feel I've trusted people that I shouldn't of and it's only gotten me distracted on who I'm here for & that I know the answer to...GOD!!!:) World, as much as I dislike you at the moment, I will recover and start loving you again but, as far as my decisions changing,,Notta chance! As far as me trusting someone again in the near future? Nope! I'm here on my own, except for my God ofcourse. I have an amazing family & I love them so, I know they will always love me & I think badly of none of them. As far as friends go, I have a lot of them but, I think I rather have a true friend, the kind that God says does exist. & NO, I do not mean like a husband blah blah blah. I mean like a best friend & if you don't get that, I'm truly sorry. I do love all my friends and people God has put in my life though! As far as love goes, I'm through with it as well. I'm only a teenager, I have no idea what I need, want, or diserve. I'm not stupid but, neither am I smart. I'm here to learn, live, and love the Lord!! & As hard as it's going to be, I'm saying "goodbye" to the things, people, and ways of my past that have distracted me from who I am here for.

World, I dislike you but, I completely understand and will come around to forgiving you because unfortunatly, I fail at staying mad at someone, even though I feel they diserve it! Or maybe they don't... My anger and confusion has put me in a faroff place that I don't like. I get angry over nothing. I get confused easily. When will, I learn to be patient? When will I learn that the world doesn't evolve around me. Gahhhhhhh.


Gosh,
God, please help me stay strong and follow your Will. I love you, oh so much!! & I'm glad you put the answers in my head today. You proved to me that it is wrong to trust people, and to look up to people because they are what I just said, people. They are just as human as me. I am not dissing them. I am imperfect, as well. I've learned I need to look to YOU for answers, not anyone else. As hard as that will be, I will be strong and do so..... Lord, I love you. & Thanks for watching over me at my most desperate time. & For somehow keeping me from crying.

Steph Alderson

Snow Dayy!!:)

My day has been......Fun!:) Lol

I woke up around lunch and went and played in the snow!! The snow day was great and all but, I'm pretty ready to go back to school!! & I hope we do because we have a game and yeah.. Lol Someone parked their truck in our yard...Dunno who, but how rude!!:P Lol & In the middle of the pretty snow..Lame!! So, my theory is their is a car bomb in it that is going to go off and kill me and my neighbor hahaha ...Some say they've been planning it since 9/11. Hahahah:P Anyways, I'm hoping someone just got stuck, it was late..they didn't wanna wake us, and so they left it there and walked home.. I hope. Lol They may have knocked, knowin' us we didn't hear it!! Lol

I love snow but, it can go away now!!:)

I love you Lord!!

Steph Alderson is out!

=-) Washing My Tears Away!!!! =-)

Wow. Today has been a definite emotional rollercoaster for me. "Uncle Tom" decided today of all days to make his dreaded visit. Thanks alot dude. :/ Thanks to "him", ha jk! But, I have been a crybaby today. I've cried tears of joy,sadness, anger, confusion...This is what that stupid uncle does to me!! Lol Ok, so I cry a lot without him but, still.... Anyways, so I was laying on my bed crying and I feel this annoying hard thing under my pillow. I pull it out, planning to chunk it out of anger, and it was my Bible!! So instead, I hugged it to my face and cried on it. When I was done, my Bible wasn't even wet...... God was there. He held my hand through my emotional wreck & for that I love HIM!!!! I was crying over some people judging me and well, He reminded me that I shouldn't care, that He's always there, & for me to continue living for HIM not them. Thank you so much for waking me up & for washing my tears away!! I love you!!:)

Steph Alderson....
One tired kid...... Oh, & NO SCHOOL TOMORROW..

SNOOOWW DAYYY=-)

........................................

I wanna go back..back to the begining..before the earth, the sun, and the moon.......

God, Thank you for creating me and well everything. Thank you for always forgiving me when I lose my temper, when I do things I shouldn't, when I behave stupidly. Thank you. You are amazing and I love you so much..

I pray that you get rid of all this pain...


Amen..
Steph Alderson...

>:/

"Alone in this house again tonight, I got the tv on, the sound turned down, ..there's pictures of u n all around me, the way that it was and coulda been surrounds me, I'll never get over you walking away.. I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control..."

I didn't know anger could make you feel like this. So weak. So well angry... I'm tired of these things. Maybe it's time to end them.

Headache,dizzyness,sore throat, ......Is life really worth it?

Yes, life is very worth it but, am I worth all the trouble I cause. Guess I'll keep living and find out.

Steph Alderson........

The Questions That Are Worthless... :)

1. Spell your name as it sounds: Stef-uh-knee

2. Are you available? yes n plan on stayn dat way.

3. What your favorite number? 5 and 15:)

4. Favorite color(s)? Red..I'm in the red mood today. Lol & sometimes blue.

5. Least favorite color? Orange

6. What are you listening to? tv

7. Do you know how to swim? No.:(

8. Do you like roller coasters? Sho nuff.


**THE DOES:**


9. Does your car get good gas mileage? idk

10. Does your family have family picnics? nopee

11. Does your home have a bookcase? Yupp


**THE HAVES:**


12. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope

13. Have you ever gone fishing? Tons.

14. Have you ever seen a celebrity? no

15. Have you ever been on a motorcycle? Yep.


**THE HOWS:**


16. How much money do you have on you right now? dunno

17. How many cars have you owned? None

18. How many jobs have you had? None

19. How tall are you? 5'3"


**THE LASTS:**


20. Last person to call you? Kaleb

21. Last thing u said?Now

22. Last person you were in a car with? momma.

23. Last time you ate at McDonalds? like a week ago

24. Last thing you had for dinner? Pizza

25. The last thing you bought? music.

26. Last person you saw? amy

27. Last time you cried? like a week ago, i think..

29. Last time you laughed? Earlier today.


**THE WHATS:**


30. What is the temperature outside? Frickin' cold.

31. What time did you wake up? 11:)

**RAnDOMS:**


44. Do you have a best friend(s)? no

45. What goes best with a coke? me

46. What did you do two nights ago? I've slept since then.

49. Is your birthday coming up? nope

53. Where were you at 12:02 AM this morning? readn.

59. What was the first thing you thought this morning? sickkk:(

61. What are your plans for this weekend? its pretty much over

64. Coke or Pepsi? Coke.

66. What do you dislike at the moment? Life. Ha. Just playin'

67. What did you dream about last night? IT was soo weird.. I was a deer! lol

68. Whats the last TV show you watched? Idr

70. Name 1 person on your Top Friends that is most like you. No tops

72. Are you on any medication? no

73. Have you ever cut your own hair? no.

74. What is your favorite frozen treat? Uhh..ice cream?

75. How many piercings/tattoos do you have? None. earz2

76. Where's your favorite place to be? schoolll.

77. Is there a person you miss right now? Yupp

78. who was the last person to text you? raeee

79. Do you care what people think about you? Hardly.

82. Last person to tell you they love you? Hmm. I dunno.

84. Who was the last person to make you cry? Let's not discuss this.

85. Who can you tell anything to? God:)

86. What are you doing today? chilln

89. Do you like ketchup? No

90. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? No

91. What color is your pillow case? Camo

93. Have you ever been to California or Chicago? nooopee

97. What is your favorite fruit? Cherrys

98. What did you do today? ntn

99. Are you cold? Yes:/

100. Does it annoy you when someone says they will text or call and don't? If it's important.
.